And it's in moments like these when I realize -at least to some extent- how this whole scenario has changed me. I've been trying to look at the brightest spots in this dark void I seem to be sucked into. The void I've been living in for the past 16 months. The 7 stages of grief played backwards; starting with hope and ending with grief. That's a simpler way to describe how it feels to live a life full of deaths. I would be lying if I said I could define myself now. I have never not known myself. I have never been such a stranger to my existence. I can no longer bear thinking of the present, let alone the future.
When you indulge yourself in the reality of this world it's hard to think 10 steps forward; when you see people who can't make it through the day and others who can't pay their medical bill which is basically a fraud. But the glitch in indulging yourself in all the bad news is that at some point you give in. You lose all what remains of you. I no longer feel present. Yes, that's what it is I no longer feel present. Fading. Fading the same way ink spilled into the ocean would. Disintegrated like the shafts of sunlight.
I have never been a fan of revisiting the past but that's all I've been doing lately. It's almost like I am subconsciously trying to linger on a bit longer to my old seemingly "normal" life. It has turned into a lifestyle of just trying to live each day as it comes not planing over a week ahead. The far future is no longer one to put much concern into. I am worn out of pleads to end this coalition. I am genuinely losing hope, not that my life will end, I seem absolutely definite that I am not dying any time soon. Rather I am weary from being so uncertain. So disheveled. Devils with depictions of white halos and angels with red horns rupturing their skulls, that's all there is to it.